Joys of Pet Ownership

Gentle readers, be forewarned: this story is rated PG-13 because of coarse language and fecal matter.

Amelia the nasty cat.

Background: Jennifer and I went on a date tonight. Our church occasionally has a Parents’ Night Out event where we can drop off the kid for 4 hours of babysitting while we paint the town red, Aren-style. (Big excitement: Dinner and a movie. Then we get to go home and go to sleep.)

We got home. I scooped the kitty litter. While scooping, I noticed that a cat (probably Amelia) peed all over a litter-catching platform in front of the litter box. Great. I scrubbed the area, cursing the stupid cat under my breath. HOW DO YOU MISS THE WHOLE LITTER BOX, STUPID FISH-BREATH CAT?

My darling wife, meanwhile, was complaining of cat poop smell in the kitchen. While lecturing her on her psychosis (I couldn’t smell it), I walked around the kitchen and adjacent rooms and looked for poo. I couldn’t find any. Returning to the kitchen, I saw a leaf and dirt clod, probably tracked in from outside. As I threw away the dirt clod, I noticed it was squishy and cool, meaning…

I had a piece of cat poop in my hands!


I threw away the little turd and cleaned up the area and my hands.

My lovely wife still complained of poop smell. So we looked more. On closer inspection, we noticed a little poop smeared on the chair and her jeans. Yuck! It doesn’t take much cat poop to make a lot of smell.

We quickly rectified both problems. The situation invited disturbing questions: Is there more poop? Did the cat poop on the kitchen table? Does she now poop on chairs?

I figured out what happened. Amelia is a Himalayan. Because she is a good breed specimen, she has long, fine hair. This hair is sometimes a great turd catcher. That is, when she oinks turds into her litter box, most turds stay in the box. But an occasional turd catches in her plush baby soft ass hairs. I think that is what happened. Kitty brought an attached turd into the kitchen, and it got left on a chair. Nobody noticed it until after it was squished.

Kitty’s turd catching properties rise exponentially with ass hair length. This is why I occasionally give my cat ass haircuts. Maybe it’s time for another ass haircut?

My cat is nasty.